you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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