hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
