I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
