found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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