The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
