I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
