Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
