I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
