Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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