You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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