My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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