Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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