I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
