i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
