My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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