My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
