We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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