what day is it and did you see me today?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
