Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
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THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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