i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
