i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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