Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
