I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
