This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
