Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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