im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
