my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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