I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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