Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
