I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
