so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
