some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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