What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
