my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
