Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
