I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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