I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
