I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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