so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
