my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
