How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
