I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
