smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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