if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
