Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
