Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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