Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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