If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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