I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
