My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
