this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
