I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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