So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
