Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
