I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
