Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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