Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Two words: nipple clamps
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