my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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